I remember reading Enid Blyton’s books and being fascinated; I have most likely read nearly all her books and my favourite ones being the Famous Five, Secret, Enchanted and Farm series, all of which are sitting on my bookshelf at home waiting for my return. I doubt I’ll ever touch them again though but somehow, I always refused to put them in boxes and forget about them. The same followed during my later years with my Charmed, Sabrina and god-knows-what obsessions. And again, not that anything has changed. The writing was never one which attracted me to the books, somehow in the grand scale, among all the adventures and fantasies, it was the least important of all. I read everything, from beginning to end, the only exception being the Lord of The Rings triology – I never got past the third chapter of the first book no matter how sexy Elijiah Wood looked on the cover. Books took me to places, they made me dreamed – I have stopped counting the times I imagined myself to be a character in the book. That, since I started reading 16 years ago, my very first book being about dinosaurs. I remember sitting in my Daddy’s lap and wondering how it would have been to live at that time.

Ten years later, I cannot say that anything has changed. I want to tell my Daddy:”Daddy, I want to be an author.” I am twenty and want to make people dream.

Feel the breeze today? Blame it on Fate.

Perfect stance, fragile beauty, plastered smile,
She puts on her show with emotions set aside.
From passion to duty, from duty to slavery,
She performs, dancing to the tunes of music.

Slouch movements copying her graceful ones,
She watches as the little one yearns to be her.
Memories flooding, the scenario replaying,
She remembers holding that innocent gaze.

Child, she imagined being the queen of swans;
Even she had been mesmerized by Odette.
Now, frozen in time, the spell had worn off:
Odile’s deception was more apparent that ever.

The last notes playing, her tempo decreasing,
The curse forces her into painful submission.
Back to dreamless sleep she is compelled to go
Until another unlucky soul turns the key again.

Tiny hands flicking the key to the box of music,
Wishful eyes dream of what possibly can’t be.
A light hearted melody, an enchanting power,
The little porcelain doll is once more freed.

His cries broke through the night,
He was here, she had accepted it
He maybe was his flesh and heir,
but she claimed him as hers too…

The silence of the night was disturbed,
A light coming from afar was seen.
Dawn was breezing in, so was him.
Was it a symbol of hope?

She saw his face, ever peaceful,
What would happen, she thought.
Her last, until she awoke again.
A smile appeared, he was hers.

Good or evil, all creatures were waiting,
His arrival was such a painful linger,
Alas he came, what would he bring?
No clearer picture could be seen.

Even she could not foretell,
she who had seen her misfortune.
An unpredictable event it was,
Dark or not, would he be?

Such a beautiful creature he was,
Never did they imagine.
A white wing, a black one;
The great power of the yin and yang?

He sure did inherit from him;
his eyes were just like his.
Haunting her every now and then,
they were now her everything.

What he was, nobody knew.
He looked like one, but was no angel.
He was no evil, no saint either.
Just a creature of the unknown…

“The night that the stars would hide,
and upon this veil, the moon will abide;
this time will make it’s way,
as your paths become a crossway,
his eyes, will you remember
as dark as the devil’s anger.”

Those very words of the prophetess,
presented for me such absurdness.
Yet this fateful night declared itself,
sooner than I could prepare myself,
Some night blessed by Him,
For even He has waited for this glim.

As dark as she said,
his eyes were just as she aforesaid.
This night, when passion was the drug,
and us lying in that snug.
Was this the symbol of some love?
or lust it was, as said by the angels above?

A turmoil you brought to this heart,
some tears fell as you depart.
But just see my misfortune now,
a blurry face is all my memory can allow.
For him as a lover,
is all I can remember.

His touch, his feel, his scent,
never have they been so distant.
Some cruel fate some may say,
But all doubtful eyes I cast away.
Destined to never ever know you
Though you’ve taken away my virtue.

Or perhaps may I be blessed by thee,
through this life growing in me.

Tiny fingers locked with mine,
We walked by, every details in mind.
But, to each our own ways,
To each our own views,
Again, the same path we are bound to share.

The spark filling those eyes,
Questions dawn in the mind.
What he sees and I do not,
I keep wondering,
As people come and go by.

The ways of parting,
The approach to farewells,
Don’t I, among others, know it too well?
The bonds that break, the feelings that blur,
Such is the fate at the crossroads of life.

Innocent eyes looking up to the sky,
The time has not come yet for him to fly.
Our grasp loosen as the seconds glide by,
The smiles fade as the hearts cry.
It has now come to the final goodbye.

—

About the song…

Title: Shadow of Love

Lyrics: OLIVIA & Chazne

Vocals: OLIVIA inspi’ REIRA (TRAPNEST)

Compostion: OLIVIA & rui

—

The rings of vows
Our red thread
Is invisible now
There are no promises, either, but-

A long time ago, their destinies had crossed. An interlaced fate it was and they had accepted it. But now, in that same sacred book was written that their time of separation had come. The thread of destiny holding them together, it seemed, it had to let go of them. Nothing could bind them together again, for the gods had decided otherwise. They had voiced out their decisions and nobody had the courage to defy them, except-

Don’t let go of our hands
If it’s the truth, I’ll only be sad
While like this…

The messenger came to her, announcing to her, that the happiness she had been bestowed with was going to be taken away. Nothing lasted forever but…. she didn’t want it to end. Without him, she would be lost, she knew it, but what to do? The orders had been given. He had once promised he wouldn’t let go of her, but now he had to. Would he? She thought as she went to find him. As she saw his tears sparkling in his eyes, she knew he had found out as well. She reached for him but he wasn’t hers anymore. Freedom had been granted to them, unwanted it was. A single kiss and the contract was dissolved. They didn’t belong to anyone…. Fingers intertwined, they felt their last touch. Taking hold of herself, she let go, eyes saying…

Trust in me
Even if we come apart
My memories won’t erase our bond
Will you trust in me?
You can see the stars that I trace with my fingertip, right?

Their love was stronger than anything, even though they had to kneel down in front of superiors. They were the one who made the rules, but they weren’t the one who ruled their hearts. Even far away, their love would triumph, they knew it. The memories they had created from nothing, they could never been forgotten. A small world of theirs, and nobody knew about it. She needed him to trust her and he did. She had always been able to show him their far away future and that hasn’t changed. He trusted her, just as she did.

Without averting my eyes
I’ll tell you for the first time
You, who reflect in my eyes
Are the one

She had always loved him and never would that change. A friend he was, lover as well, but most importantly a soulmate. He had known about it and he felt the same. Never had they been so close to others, but left to themselves, trust had grown in. Her eyes, not secret could they keep from him and he knew as she walked away, she would be back. Aye, she would.

I only believe that I can overcome
This dangerous world
With you

With him by her side, nothing was impossible. She could reach the stars and the moon would be hers. She needed courage, and he was there to give it to her. He supported her, as she would have if he were in her place. Only she could revert the situation back and only he could help her. Two people, acting as one, nothing could beat them. The great power ever, love was their weapon.

Trust in me
Within the dawns that visit
Our separate skies
Will you trust in me?
Inside of dreams, we can meet
Time and time again, right?

As they went apart, a little voice made itself heard. She was asking him what he had already given to her. She needed to be reassured and he understood that. I love you he murmured as he disappeared into the night. Days would come when things would be like they wish but now, patience was needed. So much kept them away, but close they were, as never had they been. Each heartbeat could be felt, but such a great distance kept them away. The veil of darkness had fallen, but a light was brought to them. As their eyes close, Morpheus helped them to once again, to feel that passion. Little meetings, with no importance from outsiders’ eyes, little did the ones above know how important it was for them. Secrecy was kept, and no other souls came to know.

Trust in me
Even if we come apart
My memories won’t erase our bond
Will you trust in me?
You can see the stars that I trace with my fingertips, right?

As she sat there, knitting in her old age, she remembered those arms that had embraced her. What had become of him, she never heard but then, held to memories, she somehow knew, he did too. True love they had found and none of them was ready to finally let go…

© 2007, Nussaïbah. Some Rights Reserved.

Giving her a little tap on the head, she quickly casted these memories away. She didn’t know why she was here but it had a reason. She just had to stop her mind from working and everything’s would be alright. She wouldn’t have to go over the past again, nor cry these tears again. A new life was waiting for her and she didn’t want to miss it. She was still young; there wasn’t anything that she couldn’t do. Or maybe there was. Her cooking was awful; she would have to work on that later. For now, only she mattered.

She stood up, her new resolution jingling in her head. She was ready, to grab the world in her hands. She made way towards her friends and found Kaili waving at her. She waved back, her lips crooking into a smile and those turquoise eyes gleaming. It felt good, to be free from the ghosts of the past, she thought. She couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled but it sure felt good. She continued walking until the cold water kissed her feet. A shiver ran down her spine. Eyes closed, she captured this instant, knowing it would be long until that feeling came to her again.

“You joining us?”

Kaili had just come up to her.

“No… I think I’m gonna take this long wa-“

She stopped just in the middle of her sentence. Something was wrong, she felt it. She didn’t know why, but the sense of déjà-vu struck her. She knew she had lived this scene before but how could it be possible.

“What happened?”

“Nothing… Nothing… I’ll join you guys later.”

And she went on this long walk she had promised herself, sometimes stopping around to have a look around her. Walking in this water was so soothing. Small waves crashing on her legs, she had never noticed how good it felt. She kept on walking, aimlessly, without any destination. Then she stopped and sat down on the wet sand.

Watching towards the horizon, she found that the sky had changed into a strange colour. It wasn’t the blue she had seen just some seconds ago, but an orange colour. Or was it pink or even red? She couldn’t decide herself, but that was just the beauty of the sunset. It was time to go back, she thought.

But somehow, she never did go back. That scene just crumbled around her, another one building up at the same time. The salty air of the sea disappeared, the peace, the beauty, everything was gone in this small lapse of time.

Now, she was sitting down on some kind of rock and leaning against a wall. She recognised Kaili, her fiancé, some other friends and…. Matt. What was he doing here? She hadn’t seen him ever since he had decided to leave. His work had been more important that anything, that his friends, than her… It still hurt when she thought about it. He had been her everything but yet, she hadn’t mean anything to him. A summer fling, that was all it was for him.

She took a deep breath. Now that he was in front of her, she had to tell him what she really thought of him. The only sight on these grey eyes had this devastating effect on her. She felt weak and she hated herself for that. She hated herself for wanting to reach out for him and most important of all, she hated herself for still keeping these feelings for him.

“Take care Matt.”

“We will miss you, dude.”

“Keep in touch, man.”

Her face filled with horror. She wasn’t seeing him again, she was reliving the scene. The one when he was going, leaving her only with this loneliness. She didn’t want to live that again. It had hurt so much and she never did get over it. She won’t be able to see him leave one more time. Her heart wouldn’t hold it.

“Matt…”

Those grey eyes turned to her and she knew what was going to happen. Nothing would change. He would go away, as it had been planned from the beginning. She knew she shouldn’t have let him so close, but she was defenseless. The more she had wanted to turn her back on him, the more he had come to her.

He bent down to kiss her. The last one she would taste. Those tears running down her cheeks; she tried to stop them but she simply couldn’t. He stopped a few centimeters away from her face and wiped out her tears. She turned back, holding her tears as much as she could. She couldn’t lose control now. She couldn’t…

She woke up with a start, feeling her pillow wet. She had been crying in her sleep… again. Two years time hadn’t healed her; that memory was still fresh in her mind. She had done all she could to forget him but nothing had worked. Kaili kept saying she should give herself time. She had, but it seemed even time couldn’t heal her.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t hear someone coming towards her. Brought back to reality by some noise, she saw a silhouette in the darkness of the night. This couldn’t be good, she thought. It wasn’t the right time to have a stranger in the house, one whom she hadn’t invited. She quickly reviewed her options but her mind went blank. What could a woman half asleep in her bed do to her assailant? A sensation of fear crept onto her and she found herself shaking.

“God, please… protect me…”, she murmured to herself. She was petrified and couldn’t move at all. All her reflexes had left her and she didn’t know what to do. That dream had exhausted her and she found no energy to scream. What would happen to her?

She felt his arms wrapped around her and she found herself relaxing. She couldn’t quite believe it… She recognised this touch… this scent… this voice…

“I missed you…”

© 2007, Nussaïbah. Some Rights Reserved.

She felt her cell phone’s vibration.

“1 missed call”

A second would soon follow if she didn’t show any signs of being alive. It was their secret language. One missed call and the other should call back.

She sighed. She didn’t want to. All she wanted right now was enjoy the peaceful moment she was having to herself. But she guessed she ‘should’ call him back now. It all turned out into an obligation now, rather than some wish or desire. Once upon a time, she had felt this urge to hear his voice constantly. She could practically not live without him, but now, all her feelings had turned icy cold.

“I’ll call you later. I’m busy right now.” She sent him this innocent little message but so many reasons and feelings hid behind it. Lies, were they her last option? She should end things up but she knew he would be devastated… or… would he?

She didn’t know what to expect anymore. She could see through his lies very often but had no courage to say anything. She could feel he was hiding something but the coward she was, she couldn’t. It was time to end things up, she knew it.

Had she loved him? Maybe some time back in the past, she had. Aye, there had been friendship. A beautiful one indeed. Pity perhaps? Affection, sympathy, but what about love? Had she felt it?

She recalled how she had cared for him. She remembered him imposing himself on her. She found many ‘memories’ of them fighting, but never of really loving him. She never did say she loved him. She couldn’t. She had gone over the possibility but had she accepted it?
She remembered him asking her. Many a time, she would say ‘no’; to be considered as a joke and left aside.

For some time now, she had let this wall of coldness take over. He had noticed but never did say anything. Don’t unveil this thin layer of hatred, she had thought. There were times she wanted to, but what she wanted first was him to go away. She didn’t want to hurt him, so let him hurt her instead.

It was time to end up things. This thought came back again. She dialed his number, somewhat praying he wouldn’t pick up. He did. And she also did what she had to. The whole truth came out: her feelings, her thoughts.

“Okay. By the way, just tell ‘him’ congrats.”

And he disconnected.

Tears came blurring her vision. How could he think she would do something like this? He didn’t understand anything, but then, when did he? He had never understood anything she said. He always switched to other topics. It was always him and him, but she had accepted it. She called back, wanting to be understood for once…

She said sorry but was only greeted by sarcasm. That was it! She couldn’t take it anymore. His selfishness. Her anger surfaced. She had tried to make it easy for him, but as always, his selfish needs came first.

He said she would cry after talking to him, but she didn’t. He said she would go into hiding, but she didn’t. She was sad, a knot had tied up in her chest but she didn’t regret it.

Days would come when she would ask herself how he was, but it was over, she now was sure…

© 2007, Nussaïbah. Some Rights Reserved.

She surprised herself when this came out of her mouth. Ever since her whole world crumbled before her, tears had been pouring. No words had come out ever since.

“Yeah, really. There was this boy friend, uhhh no, man friend, of the friend of the daughter of my great great great uncle, uhh, whatever… He told me this when I was kid. You see, I had been digging at the back of my garden to reach the other side of the world. I admit it… I was dumb…”

Michael always could make her laugh, in whatever situation she was. Was it what gave birth to her love for him? Was it his kind heart? Or was it those pure eyes that were looking at her right now?

“Al, I know this is not the time, neither the place but I have a feeling I have to tell you this.”

“Hmmm?”

“Erm… Nothing really, it can wait. I nearly forgot. Anata send something for you.”

He handed a purple envelope to her. Inside was the drawing of three persons; a man, a woman and a little girl. The three of them maybe. She smiled when she looked at the picture. It showed all the innocence a child should have, the same she had lost; the colours were too bright, the persons were not proportioned and ‘Dad’ was wearing a shirt with polka dots. But to her eyes, it was the most wonderful gift ever.

There was also a ‘get well soon’ card included in the envelope. She opened it and started reading.

“Dear Al,
I’m sorry I am not here to see you. You see, Dad said I had to go to school. Please don’t be angry at me. It’s all his fault. Anyway, he promised to take me to you this afternoon. Get well soon.I love you

~Anata

P.S. By the way, Dad would like to know if you’d want to marry him. I would really like to have you as Mom. Love you. “

It was not the happy ending she had sought, but she was happy. She now had a loving husband and the daughter she’d dreamt of. What could she ask for more? Her past always haunted her now and then, but she had a future to look forward to, until someone else decided she had no future…

She woke up with a start. She was panting heavily. She could hardly breathe and there was an acute pain in her chest. She suddenly wanted to throw up. She ran to the bathroom as fast as she could, her hand blocking her mouth.

She could taste blood in her mouth. She looked at her hand; it was all covered red, blood dripping on the floor. She raised her head to find herself staring at her in the mirror. Michael was at the back, near the door, concern in his eyes…

“Lung cancer. I’m sorry Michael but she’s at the last stage. If only it had been detected earlier. Even with treatment, the five-year survival rate is 14% and she…”

She was in the other room but she heard these words of the doctor. It was all over…

And there she lay on the bed, waiting for Death to come and take her. She heard the door open. She could not move but she felt Michael’s presence.

“Hey. I brought you flowers. Anata picked them up this morning. You know, she couldn’t come but she send you this ‘get well soon’ card. She made it herself. Should I read it to you?”

He paused, as if waiting for a response. I wanted to answer him but I couldn’t. My lips wouldn’t move.

“Okay, here it goes. Dear Mom, I’m sorry I am not here to see you. You see, Dad said I had to go to school. Please don’t be angry… “

His voice cracked… She was sure by now, he must be crying but didn’t want her to hear.

“I’ll… I’ll just leave it here, for you to read when you feel like it.”

She felt like smiling. He knew she wouldn’t be able to wake up and read it by herself. He just didn’t have to courage to admit that it was almost over.

“I’ll be going now. I have to pick her up from school.”

That was so like him. It was 10 a.m. and Anata’s school would finish at 2. She was sure his eyes were all red from crying all night.

“I love you…”

With these words, he bent down and his lips found hers. One tear fell down on her cheek. Another one after that. She felt it was now time to go.

And with Michael’s kiss, she left…

© 2007, Nussaïbah. Some Rights Reserved.