Breathing was so hard, she could almost feel her lungs ripping apart. But this pain was nothing compared to what she had felt at nearly all stages of her life; this feeling of not belonging, of loneliness…

She had never had any friends of her own. She had stopped going to school at 16; a ‘request’ from her mother. Even at school, she was rejected by everyone. No one would come near her. Being a black was considered to be a sin, and every eye that watched her glared at her with disdain.

But there was one pair of eyes that never looked at her like that. The same that had saved her. Where was she? She looked around her. The last thing she remembered was her falling and a pair of hazel eyes. She heard the door open in came the most beautiful creature she’s ever seen in her life.

A little girl. She mustn’t have been more than 6 or 7 years old. She had this curly blond hair and yes, those hazel eyes. They were somewhat different but she felt familiar with them. A new feeling was born from within. What was it?

“Dad asked me to come and check on you. Are you hungry?”

She nodded and it was the beginning of a new life. The long evenings she spent talking to her, her first smiles, her first laughs, her first friend… But she had never seen ‘Dad’ though. She heard about him, a lot. They were in almost in all the sentences the little girl made. She wondered if the new life growing in her would be like her. As warm, as kind.

Days passed and her life had taken a whole new turn. It was time for her to leave the bed and start all over again. But first of all, it was time to meet ‘Dad’.

He was no different from his daughter. Those same eyes, that warm smile and that same kindness. Michael, that was his name. An artist, a painter and… her angel.

These two persons became her whole world. For the first time in her life, she knew how if felt to be loved and to be cared for. She learned to open up herself and let others come close. She learned how it felt to have someone waiting when you come back home. She simply learned to live…

Time had come for the little one to come out to this world. She yearned to hear her voice. Yes, she was her daughter. She didn’t want to know the baby’s gender before the delivery, but there was some feeling that told her she was a little girl, ready to be pampered.

She was tired. She was still under the effect of anaesthesia and was vaguely aware what was happening. She remembered hearing the obstetrician saying something about complications… Her baby! She placed her hand on her belly. She wasn’t here. Panic took onto her. She tried to stand up but she had no energy left in her. Unable to fight against anything, she went back to sleep.

She heard voices. Whispers. She opened her eyelids and saw nurses and her obstetrician around her. Only one thought came to mind, her baby. She looked at Dr. Binns with imploring eyes but she already had realised it.

She closed her eyes, begging God to take her too. It wasn’t fair. Why her? Why always her? She’s always had her dreams shattered, her hope and expectations crushed. Why would this time be different? It was now time to wake up, to return to reality. Nothing had changed. Life was still cruel to her… Nothing had changed.

© 2007, Nussaïbah. Some Rights Reserved.