She lay down on her bed, arms spread, eyes closed. The idea seemed less appealing to her now. The idea of going out with him. So many dreams had she had about this. Wonderful ones of course, but now, she would have preferred if it only remained a dream. Earphones in her ears but she paid no attention to the music playing. It was just here to keep her from hearing the noise from outside.

She felt her cell phone’s vibration.

“1 missed call”

A second would soon follow if she didn’t show any signs of being alive. It was their secret language. One missed call and the other should call back.

She sighed. She didn’t want to. All she wanted right now was enjoy the peaceful moment she was having to herself. But she guessed she ‘should’ call him back now. It all turned out into an obligation now, rather than some wish or desire. Once upon a time, she had felt this urge to hear his voice constantly. She could practically not live without him, but now, all her feelings had turned icy cold.

“I’ll call you later. I’m busy right now.” She sent him this innocent little message but so many reasons and feelings hid behind it. Lies, were they her last option? She should end things up but she knew he would be devastated… or… would he?

She didn’t know what to expect anymore. She could see through his lies very often but had no courage to say anything. She could feel he was hiding something but the coward she was, she couldn’t. It was time to end things up, she knew it.

Had she loved him? Maybe some time back in the past, she had. Aye, there had been friendship. A beautiful one indeed. Pity perhaps? Affection, sympathy, but what about love? Had she felt it?

She recalled how she had cared for him. She remembered him imposing himself on her. She found many ‘memories’ of them fighting, but never of really loving him. She never did say she loved him. She couldn’t. She had gone over the possibility but had she accepted it?
She remembered him asking her. Many a time, she would say ‘no’; to be considered as a joke and left aside.

For some time now, she had let this wall of coldness take over. He had noticed but never did say anything. Don’t unveil this thin layer of hatred, she had thought. There were times she wanted to, but what she wanted first was him to go away. She didn’t want to hurt him, so let him hurt her instead.

It was time to end up things. This thought came back again. She dialed his number, somewhat praying he wouldn’t pick up. He did. And she also did what she had to. The whole truth came out: her feelings, her thoughts.

“Okay. By the way, just tell ‘him’ congrats.”

And he disconnected.

Tears came blurring her vision. How could he think she would do something like this? He didn’t understand anything, but then, when did he? He had never understood anything she said. He always switched to other topics. It was always him and him, but she had accepted it. She called back, wanting to be understood for once…

She said sorry but was only greeted by sarcasm. That was it! She couldn’t take it anymore. His selfishness. Her anger surfaced. She had tried to make it easy for him, but as always, his selfish needs came first.

He said she would cry after talking to him, but she didn’t. He said she would go into hiding, but she didn’t. She was sad, a knot had tied up in her chest but she didn’t regret it.

Days would come when she would ask herself how he was, but it was over, she now was sure…

© 2007, Nussaïbah. Some Rights Reserved.

Tags: Partly Fiction, Partly Non-Fiction